Dating While Natural: What’s The Real Deal?

dating while natural

My last relationship ended a few months after my two year natural hair anniversary. Lucky for him, he was with me long enough to see me with a variety of different hairstyles (see photos of some of my hairstyles over the years). By a variety I mean short permed hair, a caesar, a TWA, and a growing fro. He would always say he never knew what to expect on my head when we saw one another, because I’ve always enjoyed trying out different styles, even those that called for weave. One of my male friends concluded that “women are schizophrenic with their hair.” Admit it ladies, our emotional connection with our hair makes any lifestyle change urge us to switch up our hairstyle. Not all ladies I’m sure, but it’s enough out there that men take notice. Here’s my advice for dating while natural.

curls-understood-dating-while-natural-wash-and-goI’ve come to understand most men are not fond of weave, my ex included. Some hate the surprise that you can be “long hair don’t care” one day, but really have short hair. It’s considered a fraud, initially they see a BMW, but after the first wash they might see a Buick. However you looked when they first met you is how they want you, everything else is deemed unnecessary. As for my ex, he loved my short permed mohawk especially when I had designs shaved in. After a bad perm and color I received at a modeling job my hair started to fall out, which led me to get a caesar. I loved my caesar and had no intention on growing it out, especially after I started getting waves and was playfully competing with my then boyfriend. After some encouragement from my friend, who was transitioning, I decided to grow it out 2 months post “big chop”.

curls-understood-dating-while-natural-caeserIt was hard to feel gorgeous with the “little mushroom” on my head and I can’t say I received the loving motivational support I read about from other naturals. My family and coworkers weren’t too fond of my TWA and neither was my then “special someone”. After some reading and YouTube surfing I purchased an abundance of hair accessories, make up, and jewelry to doll me up. With the growth of my hair after the first year of being natural my ex began to express (verbally and through facial expressions) that he liked twist or braid outs and hated “wash & go’s”. All I remember was him singing “let your soul glow” like the jerry curl activator commercial from the popular movie Coming to America.

curls-understood-dating-while-natural-straighened-froWhenever it got late and we were together I would whip out my trusty satin bonnet which always received a side eye, long sigh, or a “that thing again”. Safe to say he did not like my natural hair, and preferred my hair straight. I’m not sure if he found me less attractive or just didn’t like my hair in its natural state, or both. What I do know for sure is that relationship is over and reading this through it was for the best. After all who wants to be with someone who only wants you one way or who isn’t 100% supportive of you and your endeavors?

I do receive compliments about my hair, but it’s mainly from women and Caucasian males. African American, Hispanic, Indian, and Chinese men don’t comment much, if at all, about my hair. Since being single I haven’t been on a date (sad depending on who you ask), but my reasoning for not dating isn’t because I have not been asked. I want to completely love myself, my body, my hair, my style. Discover my likes and dislikes without any outside approval from a man of what I should be doing. I wasn’t depressed that my then boyfriend didn’t approve of my hair, but it was hard to be with someone who I knew only found me beautiful with a certain hairstyle.

I couldn’t write this without receiving some male perspectives about women with natural hair. Here’s what they had to say:

curls-understood-dating-while-natural-braidsTo be honest, I think I’m more attracted to those with natural hair than those without it. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate and have love for all black women but it’s just something about a natural woman that I’m drawn to. Natural women have always stood out to me. They represent a part of our culture that has been stripped away from us. I feel we’ve been conditioned to believe what is considered to be beautiful, normal, or good-looking when it comes to women especially black women and their hair. Natural women have my utmost respect because it takes courage and confidence to do what they’re doing and to me that speaks volumes.

It should be the qualities of a person that matters not so much the looks. Looks can always change but attitude and qualities typically remain.

Natural hair that is maintained says that the woman cares not only about her hair but her spiritual, and emotional state too.

Natural hair to men is like the back of a drug box ‘important: results may vary.’

So ladies, in the words of Cornelius Lindsey, “if you live off a man’s compliments you will die from his criticism”. Do not base your self-worth off of what others say you are, because in the same breath that they say something positive they can tear you down with a negative. You have to know and accept that nothing about the way you were uniquely, creatively, and lovingly formed in your mother’s womb was a mistake. You are fearfully and wonderfully made inside and out.

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